Six Years, No Ring! Now What?

Hi Dr Sherry,

I have been with my boyfriend six years, and we’ve lived together for four of them. I have never pressured him about marriage, and we have talked about it happening, but I'm starting to give up hope. While I feel content with our relationship, I'm becoming insecure about why he hasn't asked me yet. I know it's just a piece of paper, but I'd like to have the commitment before we have kids. On another note, he is the first man I've been with that has a very low sex drive—we go for weeks without having sex. As a professional, I’m asking, is this a red flag?

Sincerely, Denial

Dear Ms Denial,

There are several "red flags" in this relationship. His low sex drive may or may not be a red flag. Have him have a physical exam to see if there is a medical basis for his this. The largest red flag I see is the fact that you are willing to settle within this relationship. Why are you doing this? If you want to be married and have children, why are you still with this guy if he doesn’t want the same? Six years is a long time to date someone without a commitment.

You definitely know if you want to or are willing to marry someone after being with them for that long. I hate to say it, but homeboy is playing games. He also knows you are not going to " pressure" him about marriage. You should not have to pressure him. If the two of you were already on the same page with your goals, values, and the future, you would already be married. The fact that he has not asked you to marry him is truly a big red flag.

Many women settle and try to convince themselves that marriage is only "a piece of paper.” If it’s only a piece of paper, why are there so many marriages each year? That piece of paper represents much more than an "I do.” It is a legal commitment that indicates you both are willing to back up your words with an emotional commitment. Without that, you are just playing house while living together. As the old saying goes: Why should he buy the cow when he is getting the milk for free? As long as you are willing to live in denial, you will convince yourself of anything. It is time to have an honest conversation with your boyfriend. Be honest about your needs and desires. If he can't meet them, move on with your life. You deserve to have a man that honors you as his wife. You will never be his wife or anyone else's if you continue to settle for the title of only girlfriend and play house. – Dr. Sherry